Miscarriage & Infant Loss Awareness Bracelet (Local)
Be Brave!
For the last two years, I have told myself, ‘That’s it! No more miscarriage posts!” But I still think about it, and I still feel the need to write something. I don’t know WHY. Each year, approximately 600,000 miscarriages happen in the United States. Women who wanted their babies, but couldn’t carry them to the full term. That was me a week before Christmas in 2010. Even then the hospital who did my D&C can tell you everything; the cause, the gender, whatever it is you want to know. I just thought, it doesn’t bring HER back (I still feel in my heart it was a girl), so why even bother to know? I could still find out, I suppose, but what does that do? I saw her perfectly formed body going into my second trimester on the screen. I was stressed and I was afraid to find out that my body, shutting down on me, was the reason. I felt responsible for things I couldn’t control. Work, life, no real balance and a bad situation all together.
Yet, I sometimes feel okay and sometimes feel like I hold onto it for a very personal reason. To have someone bully and harass you at work is one thing, but to stress my body to the point of having a miscarriage was not okay and it got way worse before it got better. Once you become a scapegoat – or allow yourself to become one, it won’t stop. I was on a crash course to nowhere. I was a newer mom, a mom to a dead baby and a Stay At Home Dad (a Vet) so I couldn’t stop to catch my breath. My body shut down. I have lived my life out of fear for years – losing my job, losing my health, losing everything that I worked so hard to get away from while living and growing up in Appalachia. Poverty. I AM no longer afraid but something has held me back. Maybe, just maybe, one day I can go one freakin’ Christmas without thinking of the miscarriage. The closer it gets, the harder it gets. It’s tough at this moment. But, I do get through it and then it’s okay again for most of the year.
I lost a very good friend recently. My co-worker who came later and he tried to help me. He was honest and not scared, so everyone made fun of him at work, too. But he didn’t care and I admired his strength. In fact, the same people who made fun of him probably miss him almost as much as I do. I still want to call him. If I could talk to him today I’d say thank you but I’m glad I did that enough when he was alive. He helped me see that I want to feel like myself again. I want to take a long break and just do….nothing but be with my kids and my family. Life is short and, as my fav boss says, “Don’t Worry, Be Happy”, yes, easier said than done, but a great mantra. Because WORRY gets you NOWHERE.
If you had a miscarriage and you didn’t want it to happen. I’m sorry for you. It just…sucks. I don’t know why they all happen. I doubt anyone can say for absolute certainty, I read all the books…they don’t know. And, I want to say, just in case I don’t get another chance, if you find yourself feeling trapped. Don’t walk away – RUN – if you develop things like post partum anxiety and can’t fight back like you normally would. It will drain you so seek help. Bad environments and mind sets will do bad things to you. I know. Personally.
It’s difficult for me to say that because I like to have a positive outlook. I love my family (as you can see) and now you know that these lipomas, these increasing glucose levels, these ways I try so hard to just walk or stand up that I thought I was doing it for my family. But No, that’s not true. I was doing it because I was scared to lose them. Now I realize that I forgot to protect the one person who needed it the most – Me. I am sorry, baby, for everything. Words and actions will never bring you back. That is why I still write. This is why I lie awake at night at times and cry for you. This is why I still fight. I may be brave, but some things I learned too late and some thing I’m still learning. I will get there. And so will you. Just remember, blame does nothing. So, let the sadness in as the cycles of grief are important. But, don’t forget the last step. Acceptance. Be Brave. Be You….Again.
Note: $10 from this charity bracelet purchase will be donated to Infant Loss. The cuff is one size fits all, and can be adjusted in and out for the perfect fit. Bravelets cause jewelry makes a great gift for you or a loved one, and is a beautiful way to fundraise for your cause. Oh, and did I mention they are an AUSTIN company. Yes, locally owned and made.
Miscarriage & Infant Loss Awareness Bracelet (Local)
List Price: $ 42.00
Momma's Bacon 